Count Guy II of Thouars, 948-963 AD

The second Guy is the charm.

(Previously on Royal Dispatch.)

Dynasty tree check!

Look at all those ladies. Sadly it doesn’t appear counts get formally numerated for being generationally eponymous, so even though I’m the second Guy, I’m just still Count Guy. Come to think of it, this may be the first time I’ve played Crusader Kings and been unable to get beyond a single county in three generations, without being mowed down and disentitled by somebody stronger. A placid but unsatisfying existence.

Perhaps due to his status as a known murderer, Guy 2 has taken to wearing a handsome beard to change his face up a bit. A murder beard. Time to put that beard to work on my wife and get some more babies out here.

My seduction scheme succeeds in short order, and the Countess Pernette and Guy 2 are now lovers. Across the border, Nantes falls quickly to Norse invasion. Now I could legally invade and take the entire duchy, if the new duke wasn’t sitting on a truly enormous leftover invasion force. If I’m lucky, that will fall apart or get used up elsewhere. Or if unlucky, he’ll attack the kingdom of which I am a tiny part.

I’m impatient for more babies, so begin a romance scheme on my wife—we must be lovers and soulmates to encourage maximum sexy times, as we ain’t getting any younger. I’m not even done with the scheme before she gets pregnant, so I must be on the right track. And sure enough, a New Guy is born before I finish the scheme. Welcome Guy 3!

The Nantes situation has gotten much more tempting, as the invasion force dissolved and the whole duchy has about the same size army as I do. I feel pretty sure I could take it in a holy war, now that the Norse infidels are running things. Trouble is, other Norse zealots can join in defense of their religious brethren, and there’s a lot of those guys up north. Incidentally, my wife has another baby not long after Guy, adding another daughter—Euphrosine—to the clan.

The Nantes situation gets more complicated, as half the duchy was taken in rebellion by a Catholic Count Riwallon mab Alan de Poher, while the remaining two counties (and the duke title itself) still remain in the hands of the Norse child-jarl Ingjerðr Steinsdottir Snarfari.

I’d feel better if I had allies of my own, but as a new ruler I’ve had no chance to cement treaties. My eldest daughter Jeanne comes of age, and I marry her matrilineally to a common-ish dude name of Pietro de San Cassiano, just in case something untoward happens to Guy 3 and Jeanne ends up being my heir.

Since my personal specialty is diplomacy, I use a “befriend” scheme to make pals with various local nobles—including my top liege, King Aymar of Aquitaine. Unfortunately no king or even duke really wants to marry down to my level. Fortunately, both my new neighbor Count Riwallon and another nearby, Count Eudes of Dijon, are elderly widowers. So, I betroth my one-year-old daughter Euphrosine to Count Riwallon and my eight-year-old niece Agnès to Count Eudes, gaining useful alliances to both counts—and the high likelihood that neither old man will live long enough to actually marry my girls.

With their allied armies, and yet another chancy gift of gold from the Pope, it’s off to the races as I declare holy war for the duchy of Nantes.

Jarl Ingjerðr only controls two counties in the territory of Nantes: Vannes and Kennes. The actual county of Nantes—as well as the counties of Penthievre and Cornouaille—are controlled by my elderly pal Count Riwallon. The county of Léon in the northwest is still controlled by those old rogues from Wessex, much reduced since the days of Count Guy 1 and not a factor in this war.

The objective is to overwhelm Ingjerðr before she can mount serious resistance, lead us on a chase, or hold out until her Norse coreligionists arrive to help. I spend gold to hire mercenaries, declare war, call up the allies, and away we go.

Two perfunctory battles with Ingjerðr’s army reduces it nearly to irrelevance. I siege Vannes while my allies chase down the enemy remnants. I’m surprised by a sudden assault of peasants rebelling against Ingjerðr’s misrule—hate to put them down, but a successful rebellion would derail all my plans. Sorry, comrades.

The dregs of Ingjerðr’s force crash against my siegers and are annihilated.

The war is won! However, though I take over the counties of Vannes and Kennes, the duchy as a whole still eludes me. I need to control two more of the five counties in Brittany before I can re-create the duchy title under my control.

Remember the northwest county of Léon? While I was at war, Wessex lost it to yet another Norse noblewoman. Problem is, this one-county lady has an army of five thousand troops. This is where that giant insta-army ultimately went after the last Norse invasion of Brittany. Very, very, not good.

Right on schedule, Count Riwallon dies of old age, freeing up my toddler daughter from betrothal and deeding his lands to an equally elder sister, also childless. I dispatch my bishop to begin fabricating a claim on her county of Nantes. My wife Pernette gives birth to a new daughter, Ida. Smallpox hits my court but nobody dies, largely due to my hotshot court physician. My daughter Marie comes of age, and I marry her to Hardin von Salm, heir to the county of Strassburg over in East Francia. They’re a little far off but could be useful troopwise someday.

I’m suddenly afflicted with an unknown illness. My court physician Charlotte has increased her skill quite a bit over the years, and recommends a regimen of monoclonal antibodies.

Just kidding, she tickles me with a feather, which seems to work just fine. Take that, science!

After a peaceful year and change, my bishop succeeds in counterfeiting a claim on the county of Nantes, now controlled by Countess Avenie verch Alan, the lunatic sister of my old pal Riwallon. She has a mediocre army and no allies. Should be a layup.

And indeed it is. Avenie dies of natural causes in the middle of the short war, succeeded by her equally hapless (but less insane) sister Mari verch Alan. I successfully siege Nantes just as raiders from Léon attack my foes from the other direction. Annoyingly, those raiders also loot my county of Vannes while I’m occupied with the siege, but what you gonna do. My war ends quickly, and now I only need one more county to create the duchy of Brittany. I dispatch my bishop to begin fabricating a claim on the county of Penthievre.

Now that I have a few vassals, of course they have to start making trouble. Benoîte, mayor of the city of Parthenay, has discovered I’m an atheist at heart (probably taking after one of my tutors) and is blackmailing me over it.

Best play along with her, as whatever price she ultimately extracts won’t be as bad as everyone finding out. By the same token, I happen to discover that one of my liege Duke Geoffroy’s daughters is secretly a witch. As his spymaster, I inform him immediately of course. It’s important that he continue to trust me in case I need to betray him.

Ignoring his witchy daughter, Duke Geoffroy declares war on the nearby kingdom of Burgundy to gain a little territory. I notice with pleasure that the Norse hordes of Léon are invading a well-defended land up in Irish-held Scotland, far away from my vulnerable underbelly. Win or lose, that war will eat up a lot of those one-shot special troops, I hope.

Forward progress on either path toward a dukedom is complicated by a few factors. I need to control one more county in Brittany to form that duchy, and at this point I could easily take the county of Pentheivre. But I’m already at my domain limit of 4 counties. If I take over another county, I’ll get a penalty on taxes and recruitment. And then I’ll have to successfully make war on my liege for independence—becoming a direct subject of the king instead—since you can’t make yourself a duke when your liege is a duke.

Alternately I could pursue a more sinister path. Right now, Duke Geoffroy has only one son (also named Geoffroy) who’s inheriting all three of his duchy titles. But if Geoffroy Junior dies first, all of Geoffroy Senior’s titles will be divided up among his daughters on his death. At that point I’d only have to liberate myself from a one-duchy Duchess, rather than a triple-duchy Duke. I have a 95% chance of success for a murder scheme against Geoffroy Junior, but since I’m compassionate, doing a murder will cause me to have a mental break from the stress.

But then again, I’m already a known murderer. And Geoffroy Senior himself is a known kinslayer, which is even worse. Sorry Geoffroy Junior. I’m going to kill you, but I promise to feel real bad about it.

Next: A little murder in the night.