Emperior Guiges II of Francia, 1442-1449 AD

All roads lead to the war for Rome.

(Previously on Royal Dispatch.)

So let us consider the papal lands.

Though the secular king of Italy is my subject, most of the pope’s realm is considered its own de jure territory. However, since I am the emperor of Italia, the pope’s land is technically also de jure mine.

And let us now consider His Holiness Pope Ioannes IX, King-Bishop of Romagna, Prince-Archbishop of Latium and Canua, and Prince-Bishop of Roma, Viterbo, Tivoli, Fermo, Capua, and Napoli.

He’s a treacherous ravener, but at least he’s French, if lowborn. Time to show him some real treacherous ravening.

The pope has only a fraction of my army, though he sure does have a ton of gold. The religion business is very lucrative it seems.

And so it begins. The pope sends his armies to siege in Italy, while I head straight for Rome, leave my strongest troops in siege there, and head off to smash His Holiness’ armies. They don’t even run, and in the ensuing semi-massacre lose a third of their force. By the time the papal armies can get their act together, half his lands are under siege.

Understandably, the pope starts blowing his considerable treasury on hiring every mercenary army he can find. Which don’t get me wrong, is a lot. But unfortunately for the pope, there aren’t enough mercenaries in the world to make this an even fight.

With Rome under my thumb, the last piece of the puzzle is in place, and now the only true Christians are Catholics, and vice versa, and all the Catholics are subjects of Francia. Church and state baby!

This also means Catholics can declare holy wars against followers of the Orthodox church (whereas before we considered each other “astray” rather than “hostile”). That does not bode well for what’s left of Byzantium.

But about me? Thouarsian Francia has conquered a third of the known world, including all Catholic lands. We’ve strengthened and sanctified our bloodline and united the Universal Church. There’s less than ten years left in the game, and yet … what is there left to do?

I call a hunt, do a feast, usual emperor stuff. But of course, there’s always bonin’.

Didn’t know I still had it in me, but my wife Eudossia gives birth to my fifth son, Robin. Not bad for a 71-year-old dude. Still got it!

There are always more wars, of course. I could claw away a few more duchies and counties all around the globe, but there’s little reason to bother. Instead I start burning through gold sending as many children at court to all the universities the Thouars dynasty has established throughout the world. Won’t have much of a game effect at this point, but education is important, kids.

With the Great Schism successfully mended, I return the county of Roma to the pope, which makes him like me again. I stop trying to lose weight all the time, getting comfortable with my self-image. I embark on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem and return without incident.

All of this takes me to 1445. My health is now Poor due to age and obesity, but I decide I’m just going to run out the clock and see if I can remain alive until the game’s end date, rather than the realm succeeding to my incestuous son (who also now has syphilis).

While I’ve been resting firmly on my laurels, look at what happened to poor Byzantium.

Ripped to shreds by a Catholic revolt, no less, and now mostly composed of little gorey bits hung around the jaws of the new kingdom of Croatia. I’d definitely go conquer all that mess if the game wasn’t about over. But it looks like I won’t live to see that end—while there’s only five years left in the game, I get the semi-mystical warning that I’m going to die of natural causes within a year.

If that’s the case, hell with it—I’m not ceding the empire to my sister-loving syphilitic son. Turns out my next oldest son also has syphilis, but the one after that—Guiges II, king of Jerusalem—is a real stand-up guy who apparently has not had sex with any siblings nor contracted crotch rot.

His only vice is that he likes weed! I mean, of course he should be in charge. With allegedly not much time to spend, I go on a final hunt with good results (I get a nice stag), and also I have another son? Welcome to Arnault, number six boy. This is where one starts to look a little askance at one’s much-younger empress.

But now I shall only look to the hereafter!

Oh well, was really hoping to last till the end. But what’s another Guiges, more or less.

Next: The Last Emperor.