Emperor Guiges II of Francia, 1422-1431 AD

Me against everybody.

(Previously on Royal Dispatch.)

Before we dive in to this big iconic war for Jerusalem, let’s take a step back and look at the world these days.

So much France! Why can’t it all be France, I ask you. Oh well, only so much time in the universe to conquer that universe. Will just have to content myself with being Christendom’s favorite baby boy, since the Thouars empire pretty much ate the Catholic world.

Speaking of which, here’s the situation in the greater metropolitan Middle East as I contemplate a holy war for the kingdom of Jerusalem.

That kingdom is part of the Damascusid empire, which also encompasses most of Syria and Arabia. They have about 62,000 troops and plenty of gold. Next door is the Najafid Sultanate, also quite rich and sporting 74,000 troops. The Baghdadid Sultanate is vast in lands but has only about 22,000 soldiers due to decades of war, both civil and external. They’re also facing an invasion from Koshan which will likely obliterate them.

Declaring holy war against the Damascusids could draw in the Najafids as well as many and possibly most of the other Ash’ari Muslim realms in the area. It won’t be quite as much of a free-for-all as a formal crusade, but I’m guessing it will be pretty close. And even though I have the numbers and the gold, I’m wary of a big messy war with lots of attrition on my morbidly large armies occupying tiny little territories.

Ideally, the Damascusids and/or Najafids would get involved in another war to distract themselves. Even more ideally, against each other! I decide to wait a little while to see if anything like that might blow up. Meanwhile, my son Arnoul comes of age, marrying Béatrice Asti-Dole.

Just as I had despaired of afflicting my foes with a multi-front war, the Damascusids take advantage of the creaking Byzantine Empire to declare a jihad for Cyprus. Wonderful! Now I shall simply wait a bit for that war to suck up Damascusid lives and resources. I’m so jolly I hit the feast circuit—perhaps a little too hard, as I finally gain the Obese trait. My son and namesake Guiges comes of age and is promptly matched with Richardis von Waldenstein.

I watch the Damascusid and Byzantine armies dance around each other for a couple of years. The Byzantine side is larger overall, but is made up of a lot of other rulers joining in the fight (many of whom are my vassals). Finally there’s a big clash with the Damascusids getting the worst of it, losing half their army. Time to join the party, with my own other party!

I swamp the kingdom of Jerusalem with ravening Frenchmen, calling in various inconsequential allies merely to provide a distraction and/or nuisance as needed. With the main Damascusid force getting pummeled far to the north in Byzantium, all I have to contend with is a minor allied army, which I swat away on the march. To my delight, the Najafids decline to join the war against me, at least for now.

Other than re-swatting that enemy ally to the south, my investment of Damascusid lands is materially unopposed, all the way to their capital.

Look at all those happy little siegers! Enemies roost out of view to to the north, with the Damascusid army hovering between their own border and Byzantium, unsure which failing war to throw their lives away for I suppose.

I’m contentedly managing my smooth sieging operation when of course the Damascusids sneak a huge force around through the east. But they’re toooooo laaaaaate!

The Holy Land is back in Catholic hands for the first time in over 150 years. In my Catholic hands, specifically. And then I hand the whole enchilada off to my son and newly crowned vassal Guiges. It’s a good look, runnin’ things.

And yet …. somehow, I remain unfulfilled. I expected, what, choirs of angels to greet our taking of Jerusalem? But no, it’s just more land. Whatevs.

However!!! What if I really tried to do a big spiritual thing before the game time runs out, in the sense of uniting all the holy places of Christendom?

I mean why not right!!! I only have 35 years left in the game, which would normally make this a tall order. But I already control three of the five required holy sites. Both of the others are controlled by the Orthodox Byzantine Empire, which happens to be at its weakest in a long time. Thanks to my intervention against the Damascusids, Byzantium may eventually prevail against their jihad. But they’re still losing a couple other wars, deeply in debt, and currently ruled by a ten-year-old boy.

The two holy sites I need are Antiochea (Byzantine-controlled but isolated among Damascusids) and the Byzantine capital county of Byzantion. Chipping away at the Byzantines territory to carve a linear path to Byzantion might take more time than I have left, and leapfrogging to take a capital deep in enemy territory would normally not be possible.

Unless I have a courtier with a claim on that land!

Ah, always wanted to tangle with the OG empire. Here we go. I charge across the Byzantine border from the north, sieging as I go but mainly blazing a trail toward the duchy of Thrace, which contains the target county of Byzantion and the capital of the whole dang empire.

Keeping an eye out for enemies, I’m just getting confident I can pull this without a hitch, when I get some unpleasant news from the home front.

Ah, incest! How I’ve missed dealing with this. Of course it’s my anointed heir having an affair with his sister Lannister-style. But I’m trying to get super-holy for this mending of the schism, so I expose them! My heir can handle his own own incest scandal when he’s emperor himself, if he makes it that far.

That distraction aside, I barely have to fight to take the heart out of Byzantium, idly crushing a few desperate armies formed in the region before I’ve occupied the entire duchy. The Byzantine Empire surrenders after barely two years of warfare.

I have to wait a bit for the applicable truces to run out before going after Antiochea, so I let my armies regenerate. Then, apropos of nothing, the Pope decides to call his own actual Crusade, this time for Syria. U jelly?

I mean sure, why not. I name a half-brother of mine as the beneficiary of my Crusade participation, meaning he might get rewarded with titles if we win. I can always claim his title for my own later, if he’s named king of Syria. Plus I donate gold to the crusade, which in turn buys me enough piety to be considered a Religious Icon—one of the other requirements for mending that schism.

I wait out the 14 months till the Crusade kicks off. My daughter Mahaut comes of age, marrying a dude name of Bernardo Ostrihomský. I’m tempted to do some little wars while I wait, but they’d be canceled inconclusively when the Crusade starts if not wrapped up by then. Oh well, there’s always more gold and troops, and feasts.

The Syrian Crusade is shaping up to be a giant boondoggle as per usual, though of course my own 300k troops make up the bulk of the Catholic side. An impressive showing on the Muslim side though, considering how many of those realms have been absorbed into my own since the last Crusade.

Will we win? Who knows, there hasn’t been a successful Crusade in centuries. Maybe (the Christian) God will care this time.

Next: There will be blood.