Emperor Hélie II of Francia, 1397-1406 AD
Onward to Arabia.
(Previously on Royal Dispatch.)
Lineage vibe check!
Vibe check checks out. With only 56 years left until the game ends, I’m probably the second-to-last ruler—assuming a normal long Thouars lifespan of course. Let’s make the most of it.
First, let me hand out some of those titles Dad picked up. Out go the keys to the kingdoms of Maghreb, Tahert, Sápmi, Sweden, White Rus’, and Estonia. Then I waste a couple thousand gold on bribing everyone in reach not to rebel against my new rule, which seems to quiet down most of the malcontenents, at least for now. I host the feast, I go on the pilgrimage, all the usual trappings of taking on the imperial crown.
I then quickly wrap up Dad’s remaining couple of holy wars down in Africa. Here’s how things stand down there, territory-wise.
Francia’s borders now roll right up to the Damascusid Empire, which is the Muslim realm that holds Jerusalem. The Damascusids are no pushovers, with an army a little under the third the size of Francia’s (65k to 200k troops). But the real menace is to the Damascusid’s east—the Baghdadid Sultanate, with an army 145k strong. The two of them together are a challenge even for mighty Francia.
Now on the plus side, these two realms just got done fighting a war, so they’re not on the best of terms. But they might set aside their differences against a heathen such as myself, so I need to tread carefully. Caliph Wahid ibn Boutrous of the Damascusids is elderly and ill, so I think I’ll wait right after his heir ascends before trying something nasty.
Looking elsewhere, I could probably forcibly vassalize three kingdoms in the Russian area, but that could rob me of the prime opportunity versus the Damascusids. So I’ll leave everyone alone and spend some of my mountain of gold on building up new lands in the heart of Francia. Just bidin’ my time. Not entirely inactive though, as my wife Empress Herlinda is pregnant, and soon gives birth to Frédéric, my fourth son.
Now that I consider it though, it’s not going to be worth going up against heavyweights like the Damascusids and, potentially, the Baghdadids just for one duchy. I need to get holy so I can plausibly declare war for an entire kingdom’s worth of Damascusid territory. And the fastest way to do that is to win some little holy wars elsewhere. So it’s off to war with the Gayaid emirate and (for a chunk of) the Anbiya sultanate over in West Africa.
My daughter Eve comes of age, and I marry her off to her betrothed, a good Catholic Mogyër named Kálmán Veligradský-Borsod.
The Gayaids fold after a battle and a couple sieges. I begin chasing down the Anbiya just as my court physician reports that my daughter Bourgogne has come down with a little case of bubonic plague. Time for drastic measures!
Ugh, oh well. I feel like this same thing happened the last time I had a daughter with the plague a couple hundred years ago. Science hasn’t advanced much beyond the “put a mask on it” treatment apparently. Meanwhile, my wife Herlinda is pregnant once again. Not so happy tidings for Bourgogne though.
Damn. I guess next time I’ll try the less risky plague treatment? Real Thanos style parenting over here. On the positive side, the Anbiya surrender, and the two holy wars get me enough piety that I can now declare a kingdom-level spiritual acquisition.
Here’s the current state of the Damamscusid empire.
And here are the local de jure kingdoms.
My goal: declare a holy war for the kingdom of Egypt, which would subtract about half of the Damascusids’ empire and get me right up to the doorstep of Jerusalem. Now this is very likely going to be a big, expensive war, so I’m going to sit tight peacefully for a few years and build a truly obscene amount of gold to bankroll the whole thing.
While I’m hanging out, Herlinda gives birth to my fifth daughter, Adelaide. I was just thinking that for a character with the Chaste trait, I sure do have a lot of children. Nine kids! I must not hate sex too much. But maybe it’s less about what I want …
What the hell! The lusty inferno it is, even if it stresses me out due to my inclinations to chastity. And naturally, nature takes its natural naturey course.
I spend a few months feasting the time away while my treasury builds up. Time comes for the baby’s arrival, and for my sixth daughter, my wife has a suggestion.
Name the child for my “fair kinswoman” Margit? Who was she again?
Uh … well … maybe “fair” isn’t the word? Striking? Memorable? My kinswoman Margit was born with the Beautiful trait, it is true, but lately she has been wounded, lost a leg, and become afflicted with leprosy. But, sure, Margit it is.
Finally I am sitting atop a veritable mountain of gold, so it is time to head for Egypt. While the Damascusids are at peace, the far scarier Baghdadid sultanate has embarked on their own holy war to their far east—a war they will likely win, but should, with luck, keep them too distracted to join up as a defender in another holy war far away. Let’s find out!
Since I’m in the neighborhood I also declare a holy war on the wee independent Egyptian county of Derna, just to collect the whole set.
I advance cautiously into Egypt, trying to break down my giant army into smaller chunks so I don’t lose so many soldiers to attrition. We stamp Derna down as an afterthought and begin sieging Damascusid castles. The caliph obligingly brings his army just behind the front via sea, leaving him nowhere to go when I chase him southwest into the African steppe. A large detachment of about 100k Frenchmen destroys 20k enemy troops in one slaughter. The remaining Damascusid army attempts to force their way past this same area, with tragic results (for them). One more battle over the same bloody ground leaves the Damascusids with no functioning army left.
Now it’s just a matter of sieging down all these desert keeps. Oh, and Herlinda is pregnant again, because of course.
After a short and tactically flawless 21 months, Egypt is conquered.
Soooooo many titles to hand out! I think I’ll make my king and heir Hélie the new king of Egypt, because why not. Oh and also I get to found a university at Cairo, making me the fifth in a row Thouars emperor nicknamed “the Scholar.”
I take a little time off from war to channel gold into buildings and cultural expression (I am a Scholar after all). Another cultural expression manifests in new twin babies, named Philippe and Bourguigne. That’s an even dozen kids to date, if you’re keeping score.
Since I have an inconvenient truce with the Damuscusids that makes a march on Jerusalem problematic, time to look northward again. There’s some eligible Russian territory that would look very good in French blue, says moi.