Emperor Hélie II of Francia, 1406-1410 AD
Why not a little land war in Asia.
(Previously on Royal Dispatch.)
Here we have the three neighboring Russian-ish kingdoms of Bharmaland, Novgorod, and Vladimir.
Their web of local alliances means fighting one likely means fighting them all, so it’s more efficient to declare war on all three at once. Novgorod is small enough that I can force their vassalization. I have claimant at court who can take the crown of Bharmaland. I can’t eliminate Vladimir entirely, but I can take over a chunk of their territory that is de jure mine.
This three-front war turns into an icy slushy slog, tactically similar but opposite in climate to the desert campaigns in Arabia. Lots of big territory with little supply and widely scattered castles to take. Nevertheless, numerical superiority on the Francian level remains a formula for success as long as I don’t mind losing thousands of soldiers, which I do not. Novgorod is the first to fall, joining the Francian family as Our newest subject.
Vladimir holds on for another year by ducking around my lines, but I’ve gotten much better at assiduously maintaining battlefronts while sieging everywhere within reach. Eventually his capital falls, I capture his heir, and he gives up the land that’s rightfully mine.
My scattered forces all turn north to recalcitrant Bharmaland, steamrolling as they go. Then Vladimir’s king dies, and his successor immediately joins in the defense of Bharmaland despite having just gotten his clock cleaned by yours truly. This prolongs this tedious war even further.
Meanwhile I’ve been keeping an eye on a likely massive peasant rebellion down in my new lands of Ararbia, overseen by my son and heir Hélie. Before that can kick off though, Hélie Jr. gets into some sort of physical altercation that leads to him inconveniently dying.
Then I get stressed out enough to have a mental break about it! I take the Frozen Grief trait, which means I’m perpetually grief-stricken and a real downer generally. My new heir is my grandson Bernard, who is sadistic, paranoid, and betrothed to a close relative. Not a fan, so may have to anoint a new heir when this war gets wrapped up.
And wrap up it does at last, with Bharmaland finally buckling and my catspaw installed on the throne. The cessation of hostilities and the distraction of my grandson and new heir taking the crown in Egypt apparently defuses the incipient rebellion in that region, so there’s that. Back in Russian though, I don’t have quite enough territory despite recent gains to constitute the Russian empire. Oh well, a future project.
Returning the matter of my undesirable heir Bernard, I instead appoint my oldest surviving son Guiges as my new heir. He has the Genius trait as do most of his own kids, a Thouars specialty we’d lost in recent imperial generations.
That done, I cast about for the next Thing to Do after waiting a couple years to let my military build back up. I start fabricating claims in what’s left of Vladimir. I contemplate a couple minor de jure wars to pass the time. However my indolent lifestyle catches up to me as I am stricken with gout. I opt for the most aggressive treatment!
My faith in modern medicine is once again shattered, along with my amputated leg. I also get the “yer about to die mate” skull popup. And I still have the gout! At least I can only feel it in one foot. I manage to fabricate a claim on the Vladimiran duchy of Opolye, but it would be bad form to start that war and immediately kick the bucket, so I’ll just wait out the reaper for a bit.
The reaper obliges me promptly. What a gentleman.
