Emperor Hélie of Francia, 1355-1368 AD
Not Enough of the World Is Not Enough.
(Previously on Royal Dispatch.)
Welcome, new emp! Look to the left at that lineage!
These old graybeards really are difficult to tell apart anymore. What about the great Empire of Francia?
Let’s compare that to the known world:
Sadly, as in history, it’s just not practical to take over the entire world without nukes and attack helicopters. I’ll just have to content myself with eating most of Europe and being the strongest one there is, like the Hulk.
Factions threaten after succession as they always do, and I rain gold upon the conspirators to convince their hearts otherwise. Time to hand out the various miscellaneous crowns accumulated by my father in order to buy allegiance from the new sovereigns. I grant the kingdom of Lithuania to Neeme Vendan-Kokenois, Great Moravia to Zelimír Velehradský, Galicia-Volhynia to Gremislava Oskyldyr, and Wallachia to Jerolim Zápolya-Brăila. Oh I also have a new daughter—my second, named Mahaut.
The usual succession factions are placated by council positions, friendships, bribes, and/or my enormous personal army. Nevertheless I decide to kill some time and let new-monarch penalties subside before embarking on any new wars. I go on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem to build up my spiritual side, but the spirits do not agree with me.
I finish out the journey, though the sickness remains. Best to let this malady run its course before starting any military adventures. Of course I don’t let this get in the way of my partying lifestyle, and attend several feasts. At one such, a vassal drunkenly vomits all over my robes. That must have been all my constitution needed to rally, as I recover my health soon after. Science!
Full of fresh vim, I decide to break with generations of de Thouars tradition: it’s time to bring Italy formally into the fold.
Italy has been ruled by a breakaway Thoaurs branch for many crowns now, and before, I was content to let it remain independent. But if the entire world is too vast for our empire to consume, then at least all of Europe will be Francia, and vice versa. Since I am head of the Thouars dynasty, I can spend a little Renown for a claim on any family member’s title. So now, to war with my distant cousin Queen Letizia Thouars-Tortona. It’s nothing personal, cuz.
French troops invade Italy from the north, sieging everywhere and routing the Italian army and hired mercenaries four times. Respect to Letizia for leading her troops personally, though it doesn’t turn out well for her in the fifth battle.
Taking over the Italian crown, I’m now the new target over a county-level war in the country’s southern reach versus an ambitious Byzantine vassal. Nothing like a nice enemy-crushing holiday in sunnier climes.
That done, I reallocate various Italian titles, fully intending to return Letizia’s crown under Francian rule. Unfortunately she dies of old age right after losing the war, so instead I crown her grandson and heir Bernardino Thouars-Tortona. No hard feelings Bernie, the crown’s probably still warm from grandma’s sweet ol’ head.
I’m still one county away from being able to create the empire of Italia, but my newfound control of Italy allows me to found three new universities—in Bologna, Padua, and Siena. And then I just grab a quick outstanding county over in Corsica, and the Italian Empire joins the Francian trophy case.
I keep the peace for a year to let my army recover, even as my tumescent income lets me increase the size of my personal forces. One of my vassals wins a holy war for the African duchy of Fes, permitting me to found yet another university there. And I manage to bribe the independent duke of Livonia to join the empire as well. This last addition leads to the creation of the kingdom of Estonia, to be handed out at some propitious future date.
I think my big imperial project will be advancing the borders into the de jure territory of the uncreated Empire of Scandinavia. It’s a mess up there.
Lots of little kings and dukes duking it out over the frozen waste. But before I get up there, I decide to clean up a few little realms in the vicinity—namely the independent duchies of Visby and Polotsk, and the county of Orshon.
My son Amuary comes of age, so I marry him to a Norman lady named Mabel Srednogorsky. My three cleanup wars require a little running around, and a bunch of Norse lordlings join in the impish fun, but in the end everyone bends the knee.
I spend a year regenerating my armies and finances. More vassals agitating on the imperial borders results in land gains to the east, which allows me to create the kingdom of White Rus.
Now, back to the big project in the north. I’m holy enough that I can declare a kingdom-level holy war versus a non-Catholic realm once in my lifetime, so would prefer to hold that in reserve. Thus I begin my push to claim the empire of Scandinavia by pursuing one of my vassal’s claims on the kingdom of Denmark.
The only rotten thing in Denmark is their army, after facing mine in one battle and getting cut down en masse. Three sacked castles later, and our Scandinavian foothold is established.
I spend the usual few months recovering from the war, and since this typically involves a feast invitation or two, I end up gaining the Obese trait. But for some reason, the “Lose Weight” decision is not available to me. This means I have a pretty high health penalty that could cut short my ambitions (and my life).
However, I enjoy a diplomacy event that has me invite a random neighboring ruler to my court for fun and socializing, so of course I choose the Byzantine emperor, Baslieus Nikephoros IV Ainos-Petra.
We have a grand time doing emperor stuff together, and on departing he gratefully thanks me and my “most implacable” wife. Down boy!
I decide to use my kingdom holy war versus Sweden, which will allow me to kick loose a few duchies that I can bully individually as well as taking that kingdom itself. The war takes a lot of chasing across the snow, given that these counties are numerous and large. But they have poor forts and low walls up there, so as per usual the outcome was never in doubt. Since this is a holy war I get all the titles personally, meaning I play Santa Claus with lands among all my disparate family and kin. Ship ‘em all up north and never think about ‘em again, I says. Another bonus—I’m finally allowed to do the Lose Weight decision to fend off the stress-pounds.
My next target is the kingdom of Norway, but I don’t want to holy war my way through it a duchy at a time, which would take too long due to the intervening truces. I also can’t find a good claimant to back in taking it over wholesale. So I decide to fabricate as many claims as possible and then push them all at once, hoping to do so before I accidentally die.
While that’s going on, I realize I have a minor vassal with a claim on the kingdom of Finland, which would advance the Scandinavian project considerably.
The Finnish campaign has to kickstart early as my vassal claimant starts his own war over it—if he wins without my backing, then he won’t be my vassal anymore. Fortunately I’m able to bigfoot atop his war and take Finalnd quickly by capturing the now-former king. But even with Finland now part of Francia, I still need 30 more counties to create the empire of Scandinavia.