Emperor Hélie of Francia, 1368-1374 AD

A bloody interlude in the Holy Land.

(Previously on Royal Dispatch.)

While my patriarch continues to chisel away at Norway with fabricated claims, I embark on the trademark Thouars sweep of multiple weaker realms—in this case, the independent Scandinavian counties of Peäccam, Kitka, Koutajoki, Sombio, and Skolt, and a small war to extract a single de jure county from the duchy of Vepsia.

Kitka falls first, then Peäccam, and Koutajoki, and Skolt, then Vepsia gives up their county. Sombio holds on the longest due to recruiting various Norse redneck allies, but eventually they also go down.

I wait a respectable interval per usual, then declare another round of Scandinavian acquisition versus the independent duchies of Guoládat and Duartnoseatnu, and the county of Akkel. Just as my wars begin though, the Pope calls for another crusade versus Jerusalem.

Would love to redeem the aborted crusade of grandmother Agnès. But first, need to wrap things up here at home.

Akkel falls right away as we capture the child count at his castle. Surprisingly we do the same with the duke of Duartnoseatnu, who unwisely decided not to take the field with his armies, and so is led in chains from his own sacked keep. Guoládat folds not long after, all of which allows me to create the local kingdom title of Sápni.

I still need 15 more counties to create the actual empire of Scandinavia, but things are looking a lot more blue these days. That last round of war ends none too soon, as it’s crusadin’ time at last.

Combat Pope does not play. This time I’m throwing everything at the war, though I have to wait a year for all my recently raised armies to get their act together for another campaign. But eventually!

And here it is—landfall in Arabia by the Francian host. It was not cheap sending them all there in boats let me tell you. And just getting that mass into the interior costs me thousands of lives in attrition. After feinting with local armies, I divide my giant force into many smaller sieging armies. Going to be a lot of dancing until a big battle finally hits. Somewhere in the middle of all this, I’m informed I can now found a university at Oxford, which of course I do. Pip pip.

My siegers take the coastal landing of Beirut and lay siege at the gates of Jerusalem. Half my force spreads out in surrounding lands, while the rest blobs around to the south to stop Arabians coming north to relieve the capital. [Tom Clancy voice] let’s take a look at the battlespace!

This looks like a good, solid state of affairs, if I can just maintain it until my allies arrive from the west. Unfortunately, my southern detachment gets ambushed—I try to pounce on one smaller enemy army, but once involved, reinforcements keep showing up out of the fog of war and reinforcing my opponents. Hence, the crusaders get our asses handed to us.

Maye not technically a slaughter, but still pretty bad. And you think that’s bad news?

It’s incest time again baby! My 65-year-old wife Sará is boning our 36-year-old son Centule. Gross! I give her the ultimatum of breaking it off, and … she won’t!!

Eyyyuucch. OK, so, definitely dungeon for you. And also, we’re splitsville.

(I am not sorry.) I find and marry an eligible infertile lady with the highest Martial skill to assist me in this crusade—welcome, Empress Blæja Euphrosinedohter. I’ll look into imprisoning my too-sexy son Centule after this war is over, one way or another.

Next: The crusade in the crapper, and an incestuous son’s comeuppance.