Emperor Hélie of Francia, 1374-1384 AD
The crusade in the crapper, and an incestuous son’s comeuppance.
(Previously on Royal Dispatch.)
Processing all this drama causes me to have a mental breakdown, consumed by sexy thoughts of my own. I choose to become reclusive in response, because, who wouldn’t?
Speaking of the war, of course the victorious Arabian army makes a beeline for my siege of Jerusalem. I call in all the surrounding armies to try and fend them off. Will relief arrive in time???
The answer, it turns out, is yes! But also, no!
My various armies arriving in dribs and drabs couldn’t overcome the locals’ defensive advantage. Very grim. Big kudos to my allies who are still futzing around over in Northern Africa for some reason.
I decide to join them over there. Landing nearby, I manage to draw two smaller armies into my jaws and crush them both in a pair of elegant slaughters, killing and capturing several enemy nobles and knights in the bargain. In fact I manage to capture the war leader opposing the crusade!
That doesn’t let us automatically win or anything, but it is satisfying, if far from taking Jerusalem.
I settle in to siege a bunch of unimportant castles here in the south, while my allies dilly-dally around the coast. Another allied force far to the north of Jerusalem distracts the guys who punished me earlier till those allies get wacked as well. Finally more enemies begin poking around in the south, and suddenly my nearby allies decide it’s time to hit Jerusalem again. I follow tardily along.
Unfortunately I don’t get there in time to help, and that allied force gets crushed pretty good if not outright destroyed. I do manage to avoid plunging my own remaining armies into that meatgrinder again, so … sort of a win, for me? These latest defeats drop total crusader personnel below that of the defenders for the first time, and the warscore is now -61%. Just not a good outlook.
I attempt to make a stand on the southern coast, and once again more and more waves of enemies keep coming. My allies finally manage to join the fray, but as before, straggling into the battle in overall greater numbers doesn’t beat a single compact force. The defeat is enough to tip the warscore to -100% and once again spell the end of the crusade for Jerusalem.
I blame this loss on the untimely death of the old cool Combat Pope and his fey Gyllenhaalesque replacement.
And if that’s not bad enough, my son and heir Guiges is killed in the battle, which tips me over the edge into mental break territory, again.
Welp, back home it’s time to chill the eff out for awhile, mourn my dead son, et cetera. My reserves of troops are the lowest they’ve been in generations after that debacle of a crusade, so I need to build them back up for awhile. I’m 67 years of age and still in good health, knock on wood.
Then there’s the matter of my incestuous son Centule’s punishment. I order him imprisoned, but he escapes and rebels against the throne. I personally chase down his tiny army and crush it, locking him up with his mother in house arrest. At least they’ll be close, for the rest of their lives.
My own life isn’t likely to last much longer, so it’s time to activate all those fabricated claims versus Norway. That kingdom is fighting off two other claimant wars already, so I stroll over top of them all with relative ease. There are still a few chunks of Norway left that I didn’t get to claim, but I nabbed enough land to finally create the Empire of Scandinavia.
I’m old, but still in fine health. Scandinavia is well in hand, so I decide my final big project will be tearing ass along the coast of Africa to establish territory closer to Jerusalem. Surely there will be time for one last Catholic hurrah in that direction before the game ends. I declare holy wars versus the African coastal emirate of Islid, the inland emirate of Isalcasid, and the emirate of Utman, which is squatting on some of my Italian land. There are lots of interlinked alliances at play, so I expect to be fighting a lot of people. But I’m ready! I hope!
Indeed a massive number of angry Muslims join up to fight against my African adventurism, and understandably so. I manage to wrap up the Utman thing so I can concentrate on these desert acquisitions. The two holy wars prove harder nuts to crack, as I must trek around on inhospitable deserts while fending off all the many Muslim allies of my enemies arrived to dispute my presence.
But eventually, the Islid emirate falls. My ex-wife Sará dies under mysterious circumstances in captivity—I had nothing to do with it!—and coincidentally my current wife Blæja dies of old age, so I marry another nice but infertile lady with a high martial score, that being Ælfthryth Godwinedohter. But then one of my friends dies, and the stress pushes me over the edge into another mental break—this time overwhelmed by all the many tasks and sundry business of empire, I once again turn to solitude, which comes with a nice load o’ stat penalties.
We leave a lot of French dead in the desert sun, but eventually we grind down Isalcasid as well. I hand out some titles and create a few more. It’s not much but it’s a start toward making future Jerusalem campaigns more sustainable.
I’ve been gaining a lot of stress as all my friends die of old age or misadventure, so I start a few new Befriend schemes. One of them wants me to release my incestuous son Centule from jail.
I do not think so. What kind of would-be friend would ask for such a thing? I assume the matter is settled. But then!
God dammit! Fortunately I’m able to recapture Centule, this time without resorting to war. I move him deeper into the dungeon, which is more secure (and bad for his health) while also making all his relatives hate me and stressing me out due to my Compassionate nature, and also now my vassals consider me a tyrant. I don’t care! Everybody loves and/or is too afraid me for the tyranny penalties to mater! I’m 75 years old over here and my son slept with my wife!!!