King Jacques of Aquitaine, 1018-1026 AD
Incest? Murder? How about both!
(Previously on Royal Dispatch.)
Post-rebel-quashing, I’m now in a relatively good place in terms of twitchy vassals, so it’s time to look for opportunities. A couple counties rightfully part of my kingdom of Aquitaine are controlled by King Baudouin in West Francia, whose military is only a third the size of my own. Especially since I still have some mercenaries under contract and standing around with nothing to do, might as well peel away one of those de jure counties in a lil’ quickie war.
Baudouin calls on his one ally, the duke of Slavonia, which barely increases his forces. I don’t have any formal alliances in place, though I could call up some family members. Considering my natural advantage, I don’t bother.
I quickly besiege various West Francian counties across my border, unopposed. I’m placidly observing the war’s progress when I get the medieval equivalent of “U up”:
Miss me with that, Dulce. Besides, I got bigger problems, or at least grosser problems, as it appears my son and heir Aymar has been putting the moves on my sister (and Aymar’s aunt), Euphrosine. I literally made a joke about this exact scenario, and here we are.
Apparently her husband Beorhtric Eadberhtson, Earl of Oxfordshire, is none too pleased about this and tosses Euphrosine in prison. My son, well, he’ll probably feel bad about all that, for awhile.
Coincidentally, my cousin and friend, also Euphrosine (daughter of Duke Guy I), dies of natural causes. This loss overwhelms me with stress, leading to a first-level mental breakdown.
I chose the “donating to charity” option, which is expensive but has the benefit of becoming a permanent option to relieve stress in future by burning through gold for good causes. Also comes with an income penalty, which isn’t great. But it’s better than becoming a permanent drunk or trying to gut it out and risk a worse breakdown.
It’s a near thing because my adulterous sister Euphrosine is executed by her enraged husband, the monstrous earl. More grief and stress for the survivors.
Dark thoughts aside, the war with West Francia is by the numbers, with lots of successful sieges and only one battle, decisively won by me. The county of La Marche returns to rightful Aquitainian control. This also means I can create the Duchy of Bourbon, assigning the title to a newly grateful vassal.
I still have some rightful territorial wars I can pursue on my borders. I sit back to accumulate a war chest, relaxed and just trying to chill out. Big mistake.
Aymar, my son and heir, has been murdered on the orders of none other than Earl Beorhtric—the cuckolded husband and executioner of my sister Euphrosine. Apparently Beorhtric did not sit easy wearing his cuckold’s horns, which of course he received courtesy of Aymar. My poor son!! Getting positively Macbeth-level bloody up here!
My first vengeful paternal instinct is to scheme murder right back at Beorhtric. But doing so would give me massive and recurring stress penalties, since I’m both “Honest” and “Just” traitwise. Plus, take a look at Beorhtric’s stats.
Even though I’m a professional schemer myself, Beorhtric puts me to shame with a 21 intrigue score. That means I have a measly 11% success of getting him whacked. The scoundrel is going to get away with it, looks like.
Aymar only had one child—his daughter Heloise, the new Duchess of Armagnac, at 8 years old. And I have no other sons myself. This means that due to the laws of male preference inheritance, my brother King Guy II of Brittany (who after all managed to hold on to his crown) is now my heir. Weird.
I grimly soldier on, building up the realm and accumulating gold for the next land-grab war. What’s this, another idiotic seduction attempt? Everybody wants a piece of the king! Get out of … oh wait, it’s my wife.
I am flattered! And of course I will more than happily receive my wife’s romantic advances.
Of course, there’s an immediate complication. As part of my private studies of the intrigueful arts, I’m presented with a chance to seduce a pretty barmaid with the erotically resonant name of Béatrice de Bazoches.
I manage to flirt with Béatrice enough that I get some bonuses toward intrigue, while still friendzoning her before any lines really get crossed. My wife is romancing me after all! And speaking of my wife.
Well this could be interesting. We’re both 45 years old by the way, which in medieval times is like having a baby at what, 70? Given the de Thouars genetic predilection for daughters, it might mean another lovely girl in the family. But if we have a son, that will bring the inheritance line back under our branch of the tree, rather than my bro over in Brittany.
Orrrrrr! There is of course yet another possibility, like how about two daughters?
Yes of course, welcome little Ildégarde and Mathilde. What a pair of cuties! (silently gestures for servants to put Aymar’s old blue crib back in storage.)
This whole thing with my brother, himself a king, has complicated the inheritance of my titles. Rather than just getting all my titles, Brittany Guy gets the kingdom and duchy of Aquitaine, but my daughters share out the rest. Not bad, exactly, but not ideal. What I really need is a direct and legal male heir to keep everything mostly tied up together.
To that end, time to seduce my wife Sarrazine! Which of course begins with sending her some gold, just to get the ball(ing) rolling. And the ball has a long way to roll, with an estimated seduction timetable of 12 months. Anytime in there one would hope we can make at least one more baby, despite both of us being rather aged. Sarrazine just had twins after all.
There are extramarital avenues to try and produce a male heir, but it’s a little complicated to legitimize, not to mention sinful. But I can only seduce one lady at a time, so let’s see how it goes with the queen.
While I was preoccupied with domestic affairs, King Baudouin in West Francia managed to hammer out an alliance with the Byzantine Empire of all nations. That will make taking more territory from him next to impossible, for a while.
Meanwhile the seduction scheme suffers a minor setback when my covert inquiries into Queen Sarrazine’s erotic tastes are misinterpreted as coveting her valuables.
Not in so many words, of course, but nevertheless she is less than aroused. But the funny thing is that Sarrazine’s own scheme to romance me comes to a bloody climax before I can clinch the seduction:
So I guess I killed some rando assassin person? Anyway whatever, love you gurl. My seduction scheme becomes irrelevant, and with luck this will lead to reproduction in the biological sense! Hot stuff.