King Sigismond II of Aquitaine, 1136-1140 AD
Mom’s too sexy and my son’s a sadist.
(Previously on Royal Dispatch.)
With no obvious alternatives, it’s time for another martial vacation up West Francia way, for three counties in the duchy of Anjou. There really is not a whole lot remaining of old WF these days, beaten down and split in half by decades of Aquitainean aggression.
The current ruler (checks notes)—uh some guy named King Hélie Nibelunging-Montargis—is described as a “Resentful Maniac,” so might as well feed his resentful mania. Just after we see our boys off to the front, apparently I start looking at my mother Helga in a new and gross way.
There has got to be a slider or an option in this game to get the incest thing under control. I feel like it comes up with every character, often multiple times! I’d marry Mom off just to get her out of my court, but the only taker is a lowborn rando in my own castle. Not helpful.
The stupid war over in Hungary finally ends in a white peace, with nothing conceded by either side. Glad I didn’t invest in that fiasco.
Back in the war that matters, my troops outnumber West Francia’s four to one, and we handily smash them in the first battle.
He comes back for another round almost immediately, losing another third of his army. Now with a vast numerical superiority, I divide my forces among multiple sieges in the duchy of Anjou, keeping a spoiler force in reserve to rest and refresh back across my borders. King Hélie sieges one of my own counties, which is fine as it keeps him situated. I let him do his thing, as I can hunt him down once I’ve secured the actual targets of the war.
I’m acting as guardian and teacher for both of my sons—and while Sigismond the Third is doing okay other than being lazy, his younger brother Yves is going through some stuff.
I’d rather he not be a sadist, but I’m rather stressed at the moment, so can’t really afford the stress fee to disabuse him of his interests. Just keep it outside the castle, sicko.
My actual heir Sigismond 3 comes of age, and I marry him to a Greek Orthodox woman named Gabriela Makedon who’s a couple years older but is (genetically) pretty.
Mainly I decided it was a good match because of the “High” chance of children. Sigismond is bisexueal for whatever that’s worth in these calculations. First bi Thours king if he survives! Gabriela also agrees to my demand to convert to Catholicism right off the bat. Pretty and smart. Or at least practical.
I enjoy a pleasant interlude walking with my friend, kinsman, neighbor, and fellow sovereign King Rorgues of Brittany. What a nice fellow.
But then!
Is this how king-pals treat each other??? I thought we had something, Rorgues. Oh well, the war is already 94% won, so it likely won’t matter. Still hurts man. In fact my troops crush the last stragglers of the West Francian army while also completely occupying the target duchy of Anjou and laying siege to the enemy capital. The war ends in victory, and we never even see any of Rorgues’ soldiers get involved. Good for him.
I decide to hold on to the territory gained personally, usurping the Duke of Anjou title and handing out my personal reserve duchy of Languedoc to a deserving kinsman. While I’m doing this, that Count Amédée of Limousin in my home duchy of Aquitaine is now also afflicted with leprosy on top of his excommunication. Maybe it’s his diseased brain that makes him think he can trifle with me at court. I put the smackdown on him but good.
What a nice king I am. In fact I’m so nice that I’m now going to revoke his title as planned. Unsurprisingly, he violently declines.
Unfortunately for him, his tiny adorable army is no match for me. I destroy his forces in one battle, take both his castles, and strip him of his title once he’s safe in my dungeon. Somehow in all this he became considered my official rival, which seems like a bit of a reach for him. And Iouliana is pregnant again!
I take a break from wars to spend gold on realm improvements. My daughter Helvis comes of age, and I marry her to this guy just because of his name.
Welcome to my charming new son-in-law Eadberht Swæfrædson Colenceaster-Beodericsworth! Mind if I just call you E?
Since I’m bound to a post-war truce with West Francia for a time, I scrutinize some of the other small realms that have carved out territory in the north of France. The Brit petty kingdom of Kent has taken over most of the duchy of Normandy, so I dispatch my archbishop to begin fabricating claims there.
Iouliana gives birth to our new son Adrien. Three sons de Thouars in one generation??? Unprecedented!
In this era of relative calm I am suddenly afflicted with illness. My court physician and Archbishop Bear Grylls recommend I drink piss.
Pig piss technically, but piss all the same, and the piss cure proves as effective in medieval times as modern plague scholars insist. See, it pays to do your own research, sheeple.